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Where does a girl turn?

Here I am lost. My dad passed away last July. It has tore my heart in a few directions. I am so broken that I was not by his side. I am so broken cause I will never really know how he really felt about me. He was sick for many years. He was kinda child like. His memory was no longer the same. So as I walk thru this turmoil of my life, I question if there is anything after death. I question if he knows how he was with me and my brothers? I can go thru the years and try to have peace. But I will never know why. He is gone. And I still suffer the consequences of my dad. Does he see now? Does he feel what he has done? Either way I want to know, where is my dad? How do I live? I have left my job for a reason that I am ashamed of. I am lost. I am so depressed. I need help with the 2 sons I have here and I am still raising. I have very little strength left.

A life Update

It has been a while since I continued this broken journey. At the moment I am on a leave of absence from my job. I am at a very scary low in my life. Depression and anxiety mix has beat me down. Also health has taken a toll on my daily life.

I will just say, I don’t know where I am headed. I can not seem to rise above just how tired I am and confused. I have no desire left for anything anymore. I try to seek help but can not explain anything in order. Everyday I wake up hoping something snaps. I hope to feel a bit better. But truly I am not sure. This hopelessness is the biggest I ever felt. I just am unsure what to do.