It has been a while since my last post. I have struggled with the memories. The pain it has caused me to open up broken, painful wounds. There are reasons why I have to be careful how I tread on these waters. In the present time, I am still broken. I suffer with, emotional pain I don’t know what to do with. Unsure how to live in life, without feeling so withdrawn.
I watch a show not long ago, it triggered a lot of memories. It was called, The girl in the Closet. It felt so real to me. Even though I was not locked in my closet, why was I there? It was an update show 10 years later. I can’t tell you how much this reflected my life. With how she suffers in life now is almost how I live. I have has such a hard time figuring this out. I wanted and still desire to be in the closet, it felt safe to me. I have thought about cleaning out my own closet and going in to see if I could feel safe again.I have so much in my life going on. I am a Mom as well. And this is so hard for me. When I am dealing with anger within my teen, I can’t figure out how to help.Nothing makes sense. There are times just removing myself from the hard stuff helps, cause I don’t know..
I work full time, and this too is hard. I have to work full time for my kids. I am a single Mom. If I think about even taking time off, I have to look at the dollars and cents. It dictates everything. Some want to go away, some take time off to just relax. I book time off to get my house in order or just do more for my kids. Never ever can I say I do the day for just to take a breather. So I guess the closest feeling is what I am missing. Will I ever be okay and free? What can I do so I feel okay with buying myself that new outfit? Instead of the clearance rack to have clothes on my back. I have clothes that are 10 years old! But then again, I am not about things. I really desire to have a freeing life with curtains open and only needing to go to my room for bedtime and not to hide. What a day that would be.
I just needed to share where I am at this point. I will continue on with my broken memories soon. I need to back up a little on the house in Sydney. I know that if I can’t unravel the reason why I stayed in the closet, I can’t heal my spirit to live free now. Thank you for being here. I am grateful for you.
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