I have had an incredible intake of confusion the last week. Finding out some stuff that I never understood. Living for 10 years at the Lingan Golf and Country club, I will need to unfold the emotions here. I want to look back and know I am free.
Those who have been reading my memories, thank you. To those who understand my writing, thank you. I have to pull back. I need to understand what is happening and what happened. I find it overwhelming that I was left alone so much. My brothers have made some comments about wondering where I was. I often wondered, where they were and my family. How can someone be so alone in a family of six?
I have many questions. I have a lot of open scars. Where do I begin? My closet was my safe place. So I want to begin in there. I started drawing a rough sketch of what I can recall of my closet as a child. Flashbacks came. In my memory, I went there. So quiet and sad. I can remember just sitting with my head down. Unsure why yet. It was like sitting in a space with no time. No emotion. Alone and really was I a person that mattered to anyone? I am feeling a light, brightness in the back of my closet. It was safe and that is all I know. But why did I choose to be in my room and up in my closet? Why did I not want to be with my family?
Something tells me I was not welcome. I recall my parents having company many times. But our place was to not be involved. I learned to not speak or be seen. But why? Was I bad? Ugly? There was no love in my family. I was never told from my parents if they loved me. Back to the closet with love missing made some reality for me today. Without love what can a child feel? I know my mom wanted a girl. She told the story before. When I was older having my own kids. The doctor told her to wait two years after my brother and she would have a girl. So if she put the time in and listened to the doctor. Why then did she have a want for a girl? I am the only girl of my family. Did I fail her? Them?
One of my brothers shared with me a few days ago, that we were dropped off at community services. I don’t remember this day. We both agreed that it would have been better than what we lived. Someone to care for us, education. How life would have been different. So much better off than we are now. Regardless of what some may think. I have failed my children. But I want to better me for them. I have been a mess since birth. I have struggled with these memories since I was young.
I have seen a man burn in his car at a young age because my mom dragged me to see the accident.I was asked by my mom to find a hammer and kill my dad. I have seen stuff that has haunted me for a lifetime. As I unfold and try to stay focused I will do whatever it takes to overcome. The many many let downs in my life, and millions of tears later, I am ready.