I am finally getting a chance to put my heart on this blog. After a wake-up call weeks ago, the doctor suggested, I do something for me. I am a single working Mom. And all I do is work at a job and work at home with the usual duties of a mom.
As I have been thinking about my life that is flashing before me, I have questioned a pattern in my life since childhood. Why was my closet as a child so peaceful to me? I don’t have a lot of memories of growing up with the surrounding of my family. But what comes thru strong is my closet. It was a big closet, it had a large board in it so it was split. So I would climb up and spend many hours there. Just sitting. But let me share 2 things that come out strong for me. Two things I had that I loved to play with. One was a typewriter and the other was an easy bake oven. Just to add to this closet mystery, I am a baker and have many years of cooking, and I love to write.
Let’s continue to unfold. A lot will say, I am crazy. How did I not know that our childhood is a reflection of our adulthood? Well, really it was that wake-up call, that I started looking deeper into my life. It is by far a life I am tired of living.
So now I will get back to when I remember the days of my closet. I can’t even recall how old I was in the years of living in our house. It was in Sydney, Cape Breton Island. My parents looked after the grounds of the Lingan Golf and Country Club. I guess I can describe my bedroom as a plain little room, at the top of the stair of out two story home. As you walked into my room my bed was against the wall to the right. I had a long window, and as you entered my bedroom I had a little area that carved into the corner. That is where my little table was with my typewriter. Along the left of my room was the tall closet. It was a safe place, it was quiet and peaceful.
As I try to remember my days as a child there,I feel mute. A voice I don’t remember. I do recall many tears over my typewriter, my Dad would spend a lot of hours working. He also would play as a lead singer and guitar player in his band. So I recall singing, “Daddy come home a day, Daddy come home?” Not sure why I had so much pain in my room, alone day in and day out. When I type this I can feel myself as that little girl. I do have a few other spots, that I liked to be near as a child. Out back of our house was a huge garden, surrounding the garden was a tree edge. I would hide along there so I would not be seen. I wish I knew why I need to hide and not want to be involved.Would something have happened to have made me feel this way?
Well unsure about what has happened. But let us keep unfolding. As I try to fit the pieces together, I wonder if as I write this blog, things will come up. I remember one summer day, we enjoyed a BBQ. My father was very handy at making things. I was in awe of the bbq he made out of bricks, our grill was an oven rack. Pretty cool for a kid. Well, a kid who was already in love how things were cooked. We had a lot of guests that day, unsure what we were celebrating. I don’t remember even being happy that day either. The only way I can describe this was being mute and unemotional. I felt like I was going along in a life that I was unsure of.
This is really hard to write in a certain timeline. As I have flashes and feelings but not a daily remembrance of my childhood. I did get from someone a toy mouse. It was the cutest little gray,soft stuffed mouse. One day we were on our way home from somewhere and I was holding the mouse out the window..I dropped him by mistake. My parents would not turn around, I was so upset to tears. I almost feel like he was more than a friend to me. I can’t remember going in the driveway from there..my mind blocks whatever happened from there.
The next thing I would like to talk about is the kitten I had as a child. The kitten was short lived. I really don’t know what happened to him..one day he was there and the next vanished. It seems to me my attachment issues were created at a very young age. So much has been taken from my life. It’s no wonder I don’t like things and have a hard time with relationships.